you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
