I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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