I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
