Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
