New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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