I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
