You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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