Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you will always have a special place in my vag
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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