So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
