I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
