vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
