I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
