wrigley field is MILF paradise
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.