matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my shit smells like andre
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.