Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
