her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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