apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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