Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
