I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
