so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i think my cat just said my name.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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