yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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