I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
