I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
