You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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