Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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