woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
