I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
