I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
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just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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