I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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