I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
