Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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