i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
