WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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