just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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