Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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