Jerry, you need to find god
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
