How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
