are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
