so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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