My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
