well I can't set my house on fire every night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You made out with two different species that night
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
