I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
