Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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