wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
