is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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