Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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