Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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