i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
