It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
