Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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