I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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