There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
