I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I could make wine with my vomit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
