I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
