between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
