so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
