I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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