He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
